They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
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What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
an airline just for babies.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.