When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
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My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
lol
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast