How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
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Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
January has been Januweary
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
technically true but not a great slogan
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention