A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
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My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Steam Forums
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?