My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
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What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
It was worth a shot 😂
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class