colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
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me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
when someone rings the doorbell
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs