I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
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her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Ironic