Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
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Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.