My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
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you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Kermit goes Blue.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now