There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
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I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house