kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
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5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
the saddest jazz hands ever
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.