Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
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I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.