Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
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At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Passed by a old school Math example today.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?