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My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.