Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
You Might Also Like
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Breaking news:
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Very good! 👍😂
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Well, that didn’t work.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes