I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
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gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
this is uni
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.