I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
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Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer