isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
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If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
That lamp looks PISSED.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry