Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
You Might Also Like
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer