Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
You Might Also Like
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.