Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
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Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
What the hell is going on?
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*