Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
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blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
wow he looks just like him
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
✌🏽