I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
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The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
i’m sure it’s fine
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
reduce, reuse, recycle
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad