Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
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Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
True statement👍😏😁
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder