Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
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Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.