Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
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You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”