I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
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A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more