Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
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Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
I have a type: disappointing
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
same energy
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
My Plans 2020
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches