That eye roll….
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BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”