Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
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me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross