Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
You Might Also Like
Some people were born into their job.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
opening twitter today
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….