Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
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Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
For the baby who has everything
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.