I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
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I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.