I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
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If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
hear me out : pockets for your socks
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.