2023 was just a warmup
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To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Is anyone gonna tell them?
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa