Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
You Might Also Like
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
shampoo implies shampee
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here