I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
You Might Also Like
Oh hi lol
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”