PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
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I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
It’s an epidemic…
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
🤣
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”