I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
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$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?