The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
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FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.