My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
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[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.