I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
You Might Also Like
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.