[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
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is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
This January has 47 Mondays
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.