“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
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I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.