Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
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It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise