My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
You Might Also Like
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.