My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
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*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Favourite diary entry ever