Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
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Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
The Backseat Boys
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that