[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
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I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Smooooooth
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
TEETH IS INNOCENT