Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
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Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house